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[18 Jun 2009|11:47am] |
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So I've had pretty messed up dreams for as long as I can remember and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.
For years I dreamed of my mother's ex husband and I would dream that he was trying to kill me or I'd dream of us fighting forever.
Now my dreams have shifted towards scarier things. For a while my dreams revolved around me trying to kill myself and either no one would stop me or if they did they got eaten by wolves. I've had nightmares that I watched my mother and aunt get ran over by a train or being raped by the Joker or simply being cheated on by my boyfriend.
I stopped taking my antidepressants and for a day or two I had fun dreams like fields of bunnies and stuff. Now they've shifted back to nightmares and it makes it incredibly difficult for me to stay asleep since I keep waking up and my mind seems to fight going back to sleep because it knows what's going to happen. I've been exhausted and sleep deprived for days now.
Last night I dreamed that I was so overweight I couldn't even stand on the scale without tipping over. While I was crying about my weight a lady comes over and starts yelling at me to get to work. Well I realize I have no idea what my job is or what I'm supposed to do. So I ask them to give me some sort of outline or idea of what my job is and they wouldn't. We were finally off of work when I landed in some trippy rave party thing where I started picking at my teeth until they were bleeding and my fingernails kept breaking off in my teeth.
I seriously never want to sleep again.
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| Swoon |
[08 Jun 2009|06:39pm] |
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I know this sounds retarded but I'm slightly miffed right now. I haven't been on my antidepressants for 4 days now cuz I don't wanna be on pills my whole life. So it's been kinda weird to feel emotions right now cuz they aren't fake or man made. Well long story short me and Stephen were broken up for a while and it was after he said he had doubts about us being together and working out. So I told him the only way I'd come back to him was if he wooed me somehow or swooned me with romance because I was thinking about seeing someone who was very sweet and charming and romantic. Well Stephen told me about how he'd bought me roses and was going to give them to me after buying a promise ring saying he wanted to be with me forever. I was like wow that's really romantic I'm so excited. Well we're back together now and he has yet to give me either of them and has pretty much gone back to the way things were. Well I thought it was maybe because he didn't have a lot of money and I was like aww I understand that. Well he just spend 300 dollars on speakers for his car because having only one working one was completely unacceptable. He told me he didn't have enough money for groceries or food this week and I have no gas to get anywhere and he has money to blow on car speakers. While we were broken up he told me he had nothing to do and was so miserable because there was nothing to do and now he's constantly out working on his car and waiting til it's late at night to hang out with me. I'm just like wtf irritated and I probably shouldn't be this irritated but my emotions are obnoxiously blown out of proportion right now. GRRRRR
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| Sometimes |
[24 May 2009|03:35am] |
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Sometimes it seems like it'd be so much easier to just give it all up and end it all just so I'd never have to face another difficult decision in my life and hurt another person as badly as I've been hurt. Sometimes it just seems easier.
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| *Dying* |
[04 May 2009|12:49am] |
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I'm sick with some sort of stomach flu and it's ripping me apart. I'm so sick of being sick already. I have enough stuff to deal with.
Like the fact that my bf's ex is bound and determined to get him back. She sent a long letter on myspace to him saying stuff like "why stay with her if you're so miserable" and "you told me she was controlling" and stuff like that and he says she's crazy and she's making it all up and I could see that but at the same time I never know who to trust in this world. My boyfriend at times can seem very distant and acts like he doesn't give two shits if I'm around. I know I'm probably overreacting but I'm so scared to lose a good thing. Now I'm tired of being the bigger person and keeping my mouth shut and I texted her asking her where she got all this stuff and what makes her think he's miserable and she hasn't replied which means she probably won't but I think if you're going to fuck around with somebody's life then you better be ready for some retaliation and shouldn't get scared and hide. She says this is war and I say bring it on. I just wish I could be happy for weeks at a time.
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| Nightmares |
[24 Apr 2009|10:49pm] |
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I have nightmares almost every single night and I mean the type that are so vivid and sometimes disturbing that I wake up and I feel sad most of the day because the image haunts me. I've been having a few weird ones lately that have been a little more clear then usual so it's not hard to figure out where they came from. However, in my real life I have my own nightmares to deal with. Like the fact that my level of paranoia is beginning to scare even me. I find myself completely unable to trust anyone and I make up all these crazy scenarios in my head to freak out over but not a single one of them is real. All my scenarios do is cause me to go crazy with fear and stress. I find myself accusing my boyfriend in my head all the time about stuff that I have no facts to base them on. The worst part is I'm scared of what it might drive me to do or say. My doctor thinks it stems from my depression and high anxiety problems so he wants to put me on more meds but I get so depressed over the idea of taking so many pills in the first place. I know I need them and I know they make me better but my boyfriend and his friend like to give me so much crap for them. They kept telling me to man up and I was like fine alright I'll stop taking my pills. I guess I didn't need those silly ol' birth control pills anyways. That got my point across. To people without depression it seems so silly and made up to be sad about absolutely nothing and for no reason. It happens though. I will start to imagine all the horrible ways I could kill myself so I would never have to deal with being who I am ever again. I just wish my paranoia wasn't so controlling of my life. I wish I could be normal.
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| Nothing in life is perfect |
[11 Apr 2009|12:26am] |
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So I can always believe things are perfect but the truth is they never really are. The truth of the matter is I still have a temper. I still have my insecurities. I still have my uncertainties about the future. I don't know why but it seems to me that I sabotage all of my relationships. I end up worrying about all the bad things that could happen until I ruin the relationship and they come true. It's not fair to the ones I love that I should push them away. Part of me hopes that I can push them away and hurt them before they get a chance to hurt me. My heart is very hurt and full of sad right now because my boyfriend lied to me about some stuff and kept stuff from me. He does things without thinking and ends up looking like an ass. He doesn't understand how important communication is to me and it's slowly breaking me down. I'm not strong enough to fight anymore. I'm slowly wearing down and I need things to just go smoothly for once. My emotions are all over the place. I'm finally done with this shit I think sometimes.
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[23 Mar 2009|10:58pm] |
You ever feel like you just can't win? Like someone asks you to give them space and then gets depressed when you're not around. Like when you give someone your best and they're afraid you'll change even though you are completely yourself. You're supposed to trust and take risks. Well my friend made me a mixed cd of songs he listens to when he's depressed. He calls it his I hate women and I'll die alone cd and I'm listening to it right now. I'm thinking about posting a few lines from each song that are my favorite.
One day I'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how - Caring is Creepy by The Shins
Do you really think he's coming back to you?
Oh, Once the world stops spinning, read that writing on the wall.
Oh, don't you cry
Just lie there baby in the past, Cause if you want it all right now - Feathers by Coheed and Cambria
All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine - Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol
Cause everytime I breathe
I take you in
And my heart beats again
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love
Everytime I try to rise above
I'm swept away by love
Baby I can't help it
You keep me
Drowning in your love - Drowning by Backstreet Boys
believe me
if you could be in my life
like you've been on my mind
it'd be so easy
and i don't know, i guess
you've just been on my mind
i don't know, i guess
i think about you all the time - Hello by Schuyler Fisk
I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath thats true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth - Fade Into You by Mazzy Star
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| my love... |
[15 Mar 2009|11:09am] |
Dear Stephen,
There's a million ways to say I love you. There are a million actions to perform to show love for someone. I probably say it enough or possibly even too much as it is but that's because it's constantly on my mind. I constantly think about how amazing my life is with you because it's something I've never felt before. I've never felt this love and happiness in my life. Before I could only paint my life with black and white because I had never felt the intensity of what you have given me. Now I feel like I can paint my life with all the colors. The brightest, the boldest, and the most amazing colors ever seen. When I see you everything else around me blacks out. All I can see is you. I just want to stare into your eyes and feel the warmth inside from the fire blazing in my heart. You are everything I could have ever wanted and more. I mean everything I say because it comes straight from my heart and I just can't hold back how I feel about you. I'm sure you get tired of hearing the same thing over and over again from me but when you're this in love with someone it consumes your mind and soul. Forever and for always for the rest of my life
<3 Jessie
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| Writer's Block: Comped |
[07 Mar 2009|11:26pm] |
I think the best compliment I've ever received was whenever people tell me that they can tell that I've lost weight. It means a lot to me cuz it shows that my hard work is actually getting me somewhere. I also enjoy when my boyfriend tells me I'm sexy. It makes me feel really really good about myself
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| Swing Life Away |
[01 Mar 2009|01:31am] |
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So the past couple days I've had an awful head cold from hell. There's nothing I like to do more then eat when I'm sick. The biggest problem with that is that when I'm sick I also don't exercise so let's look at the combination shall we? Food plus no exercise plus depression equals a stuck state of mind that I'm a fat cow that will never be the skinny girl she wants to be. I used to be so motivated all the time and so energetic and now I'm lucky if I can make it out of bed to go live my life let alone get on a cardio machine for half a hour then push myself even harder after that. Plus after eating fast food again it's so hard to go back to toast, berries, and eggs for breakfast and plain this and plain that for lunch and dinner. This used to be so easy and now it's like a constant struggle and it makes me feel bad for all the people I judged saying they were stupid for not living like I did. It is hard. Granted I know I'm being lazy and I just need to change my state of mind again and stuff but it's just that. I've become lazy. Part of me is happy with my life now so I don't have that urgent need to lose weight to feel like somebody will love me. The other part of me is just like stressed out and busy and doesn't wanna take the time out of my day to work things out like I should. I know I'll be happier again when I start losing weight and I'll start to have more energy again. I feel bad for my boyfriend right now because he keeps trying to tell me I'm not fat but I know that medically yes I am considered obese and I'm content with the idea that while yes I'm fat I have the power to change that.
My plans are to start off small again and work myself back to where I was. Everyday I'm going to do at least 10 push ups, the leg exercises my trainer showed me, and hold the plank for 10-20 seconds before doing the rocking movement and I'll do two sets of those. I'll do those 3 simple exercises everyday until I start to notice them becoming easier to do and then I may add more reps and throw in another exercise or exchange one for another. I need to start keeping a food diary again because it helps me to rethink what I'm going to eat during my day if I know I'm going to have to write it down and think about how much I ate. I wanna start wearing smaller sizes and wearing cute clothes and I wanna be ready for this summer. I don't wanna have to wear a lot of clothes just to hide the fact that I'm lumpy in certain spots.
I'm tired of this battle and I just want it to be done and over with for once and for all.
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| What a long strange trip it's been |
[23 Feb 2009|04:10pm] |
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I've been seeing a counselor now for about a year and it's done amazing things for my life like teaching me to let go of my fears and to become independent and not rely on others. I also learned how to deal with my emotions and become an emotionally happy person. However, my counselor is quitting and this Wednesday will be my last session with her. I know it's not something to get upset over specially since I've come so far but I feel like I'm losing a close friend and I also feel like if things were ever to get bad again I wouldn't have someone there like I did when I went to see her. That makes me nervous because when I relapse I do it hard. I pretty much spiral down if I ever feel like I can't control what's going to happen. Lately though I feel like I'm completely in control of everything in my life so I don't think it's something I need to be too worried about.
I wanna say that I pretty much wasted the last year of my life dating a loser but he really wasn't all that bad. We just weren't right for each other and a lot of good things did come out of it so I don't regret it completely. Right now I'm dating an old friend of mine named Stephen and I'm absolutely crazy about him. Things are going really good right now. My doctor switched my meds so I'm a lot more relaxed and happy and calm about things. I don't freak out nearly as much as I used to. Without my counselor though I need a place that I can vent my problems and frustrations too and I figured having a journal again would probably be the best way to go about that. I just need a place where I can talk about small things or big things or how my week in general was. I just need to talk.
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[04 Jan 2008|10:23pm] |
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Testing something out here. I'm texting this from my phone hurray
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| It takes a little time sometime to get your feet back on the ground |
[31 Mar 2007|10:45am] |
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So right now I'm in colorado basically starting my life over. For the most part it's going great. I'm getting to help my cousin take care of her baby and I love kids so much. I joined a gym and my cousin keeps me motivated to get up in the morning and go. I got a job at Echostar (Dish Network) and my starting pay was 12$ a hour and now 20 days in and I got a 36 cent raise so I'm making 12.36$ a hour answering phones and talking to people. IT ROCKS! and the people there are nice too. I get to learn more and more everyday and utilize my skills. I'm back on Ritalin to focus and stay on task at work and it's been working great. I've been doing great on tests and I understand what I'm explaining to customers. There's also a lot to do around here. so far I'd like to see Madina Lake on April 12th and Relient K/Mae/Sherwood on April 21st. and there's always Warped Tour in the summer. and I'm also finding myself becoming closer to God as my cousins introduce me to a side of God I've never seen. They've shown me what amazing things he can do and what evil demons are around us everyday. The only downside as of right now is the lack of friends I have out here which makes for a lonely time. Granted my cousin Nikki is the funnest person ever to hang out with it's just that she's got the baby and half the time we can't go anywhere cuz of him. which is understandable but I just can't understand why I can't make friends out here. People here don't jump at the chance to hang out like in Illinois. It makes for me being homesick lately but you know what can I do. I'm not gonna throw away all the good things for one thing that doesn't keep me alive. There's a lot of pain in my heart that I carried here from home and I'm struggling everyday to let go of things that still haunt me. However I'm confident that my purpose is out here.
Right now I'm reminded of the song Takes a Little Time by Amy Grant. If you don't know it I suggest you hear it especially if you're changing your life. I also like the song Show You Love by Jaci Velasquez. but yeah. that's basically how I'm doing. I'm gonna end this entry with a verse.
1 peter 4:7-11
The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others faithfully administering God's grace in various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.
Each of us has a gift God gave us to spread his word throughout this world. It just takes an open heart to hear what he has planned for us.
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[15 Mar 2007|09:14pm] |
I'm 74 dollars in the hole
I'm gonna do a miserable job at work cuz I don't understand anything
I'm lonely
but God's looking out for me and I believe good things are to come
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[11 Mar 2007|09:54am] |
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http://www.myspace.com/pyropixie923
that's my myspace page for anyone who has one and wants to add me or just simply wants to take a look. 99% of the pictures are of me but I'm hoping to get mountain pictures soon and pictures of just things in general. Like I want to get a picture of the store that has a sign reading "Liquor orthodontist dentist eyecare" all on one store building.
I don't know why but today is not a good day emotionally. I woke up feeling angry and sick and I stood in the shower crying while ripping my hair out. Then I stepped in a puddle and felt like punching a wall. and right now I'm running on 5 hours of sleep and I'm exhausted and sick to my stomach and I'm being forced to go out when all I want to do is lie in bed and cry until my body just can't anymore. I just know I'm gonna go out in public and break down and start crying and embarass myself. This is the first episode I've had in a long time and I'm scared that it's happening out here where I'm by myself and don't really have friends to fall to. You would think I'd have control of my depression by now but it still sneaks up on me.
My first day of training was yesterday and it was so boring. It was basically eight hours of signing paper work and listening to rules and expectations. The same stuff we've been hearing for all the application, interview, and hiring process. There's a jerkoff in my training class. He's from Illinois too which reaffirms my belief that almost all Illinois men are jerks or ignorant. He spent two days trying to get in my pants after meeting me for like 5 mins. Then when I said no he's like "well I didn't want to have to lower my standards anyways." Wtf? *bangs head on wall*
I'm so angry right now I'm probably going to get home and change and then just walk out and go walk as far away as I can. or probably jump off the balconey. but most likely not. This is crazy. I can't believe I still get like this. I really don't want to leave the house. I just want to sleep.
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[09 Mar 2007|04:29pm] |
oh em gee I still have a livejournal wtf.
So I'm living in colorado now which is pretty super cool. I love everything out here and it's pretty much the coolest place in the world. All of you who live in Illinois...
I'm sorry.
but anyways. I'm going to start updating this again so that people can see how I'm doing out here and see the progress I'm making out here. As of now I'm working at Echostar for 12$ a hour. once I start getting paychecks in I'm going to join a gym and start saving up for my own place and getting a car. I'm so excited I'm sure things are going to go good.
but yeah hopefully I'll have time to update this often. comment if you actually still read this and let me know if anyone does at all
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[24 Jul 2006|06:52pm] |
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[24 Mar 2006|12:48pm] |
Alex-
I'm sorry. but I don't want to be together anymore. I really am sorry. I liked just chillin as friends. I just don't think it's going any further than when I graduate and all that jazz and I'd rather just not worry about it. I'm sorry.
-Jessie
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